I worry a lot about whether I’m being “my true self”. Like, a lot. Like, to the point where I start to feel like I’m vain (to think that song is about me…) As someone with a lot of different “sides” I tend to mold my personality to whatever group I’m in. I have different groups of friends for different aspects of my personality. This might seem fake to some people, but I’m not pretending to be someone I’m not. I’m just letting different aspects of myself shine.
Lately, though, I kind of have been pretending to be someone I’m not. I’ve invented this set of standards I think I should live up to and tried to live them, all the while feeling like I’m not really doing what I want to do. I’ve knowingly denied my own likes and dislikes, preferences, and even personality just because I thought if I was this way this thing would happen.
There was one thing, one big, specific thing. I can’t tell you what it is but I held on to it for so long. It was a fancy I let turn into a daydream, which quickly evolved into an obsession. Dreams are wonderful, but when they haunt your every waking (and sometimes sleeping) moment and prevent you from being yourself and living your best life (such a cliché, but true in this case) they no longer serve you.
I have a lot of dreams. Most of them are the kind that rely on me working hard and making the right choices and having a little bit of luck, but this dream was the kind where the elements are totally out of my control. All I could do is sit and wait for it to arrive and mourn its absence.
I know I’m being really vague. Maybe someday I will be able to publicly talk about what this “dream/obsession” actually was but for now I still feel embarrassed that I let it carry on for so long. I’m tired of living up to assumed expectations. In the short time since letting go of these self-imposed expectations I’ve felt so much happier, freer, and more productive. I finished the first draft of a project I’d been working on for almost two years as if all of the pressure I’d been putting on myself had been weighing me down and keeping me from completing it.
If there’s a point to this rambling mess of a blog post it’s this: letting go of the things that no longer serve you is easy. Realizing why they don’t serve you is the hard part.